365daystothirty

I read these blogs and it is crazy the things I write about and make public and yet, I guess I am probably a writer at heart because when I want to write…when I have something to say…it is because I am passionate, because my heart yearns to tell its tale.

Tonight is no different and as I dread packing for a flight I will board in 7 hours I sit thankfully as I think about the moments I just shared. Which brings me to the topic of friends and my often talked about topic of Norman Rockwell.

You see, for me a Norman Rockwell friends should be a late twenty-something, woman, single, with similar interests, experiences and hopes and yet, while he may not even realize, one of my besy ftiends is late 30′s, once divorced, a loving father a quirky colleague and a devoted friend. With kind words, a trustworthy heart, stearn warnings and a soothing hug…what I realized this evening and a few days ago with the same friend…is that sometimes what you are looking for and needing doesn’t come in the package you expect…but comes in the form of an unexpected yet true…friend!

It’s a lesson I learned a few weeks ago when I decided to let my guard down. Stop hoping for the life I planned and stop living the one that God so clearly laid in front of me as the path to happiness. The problem, letting go, doesn’t always mean certainty and certainty doesnt always mean happy or that everyone else will see clearly or read the path the same.

I guess the end of my rambling is this…and a lesson straight from the mouth of my friend. “Things happen for a reason and direct you where you need to go, trust it, trust that others trust it and wait for great things!”

All and all, a good night.

Thanks you! xoxo

What could be better than a Negro Modelo and a Peep? Few things! Think that is odd? well, to tell you the truth, maybe it is. But, my mom always tells me that I will find someone who adores me for all that is me… I haven’t found him yet and I know I can be a lot…But here are some things I love…

First of all…Peeps. What is not to love? Marshmellow covered in sugar…YUMM. They are even better the next day after they have hardened a bit…weird? Yupp! I think maybe though, especially after my last week or so, I just enjoy biting their heads off !

Here are some other things about me I love…and you may hate…or even adore!

Peeps and Pate

Chicken Liver and a medium rare steak (closer to rare)

Beer and a good bottle of wine

Classic music, hard rock, indy, R&B, Blues, Country…

Pretty dresses, dainty flats, blues jeans, t-shirts, boots and stilettos

No Make-up and a classically done-up face

Cooking and baking

Playing hard to get and being a bit difficult

Loveing with everything I have

Driving fast and Sunday drives

Coloring inside of the lines and painting my own picture

Camping and boutique hotels

The beach and the mountains

Traveling and a lazy day at home

A good book

Learning something new

Laughing

Writing

Singing

Sharing life with anyone

Kids and Family

The list could go on and on…

Here’s hoping you find the one who adores you and all that you love and are!

Today was a crappy day. I had a lot of drive time, and I just couldn’t figure out how to turn off my brain. There are so many things that go through it, so many things I wonder, hope, fear…Sometimes I wish I could hit delete on all my memories or Google my life to see what comes next.

I thought a similar thought tonight as my neice had a bad dream while sleeping on my chest and wimpered in her sleep. I thought about all the things in life I wish I could protect her from. Falls, scrapes, dissapointment, heartbreak, loss, fear…I thought about the advice I would give her. Don’t trust anyone, lock yourself on a desert island, never fall in love. Then I laughed to myself, because those aren’t things I would ever wish for her.

What I really wish for her is that she has all she ever wants. That she never finds out fairy tales don’t exist and that she never has to feel pain. What I can give her is reality, which coming from someone who admitttedly lives in a fairy tale world some of the time, is actually better. While life is really messy at times, I hope that I can teach her that you can make mistakes but you are never stuck where you are. Change it, make it better for yourself. Life is too short to be unhappy. That risks sometimes lead to great reward…or loss. That people will let you down, betray your trust and shut you out…that she should not give up on all people. And finally, that fairy tales can exist, that you can have happy endings…

Afterall, I am still waiting for mine.

This has truly been a difficult undertaking for me…to try and write this blog for the past 7 months, everyday. The reason, I think, is because I tried to focus on  positivity. Not that I am not a positive person, because HONESTLY, I really am. It is just…I don’t often show it. Why, you may ask… Because, if what you are positive about doesn’t come to fruition, then you have not only disappointed yourself but also those who were rooting for you. And, only dissappointing yourself is much easier than sharing the burden.

For many of you, this may resonate. For most, it won’t. But for me, it makes it easy to put up a hard front and pretend that I don’t want the things I truly want, yet secretly yearn for them. It’s easy to hide behind snarky remarks if it is hiding more…What is even easier is to say the word “NEVER”. I could NEVER do that…

I remember the first time I made this statement. I was under 10 and I told my mom, I would NEVER have short hair…who knew that I would spend most of my college career with a shoulder length bob. I can also remember that I would NEVER leave Dallas, TX , yet here I am, a Dallas EX. The list goes on and I can almost hear God telling me to “let go” because I am not in the driver’s seat…maybe I am finally getting that.

which leads me to today…WHAT A DAY!…Understatement of the year.

First, I recieved this text from my sister…Virgo – You will be feeling better than you have felt in a long time. Although things have been pretty unsettled, they’ll start to calm down.

It was a great start to what would soon be a long day. Soon after, a minivan plowed into the side of one of our locations we were to have a HUGE grand-opening celebration, sending my day into a spiral. I had to chuckle. While I prayed for two whom were injured, I also knew it was what was meant to be…

But I had a different reaction later that day when I had a call scheduled to discuss some additional items going on in my life. I had joked with my sister about the planned meeting the night before about the possible outcomes, but was no longer laughing as I called her back up to tell her my “jokes” were absolutely the reality of the call and could leave me eventually with even more questions than answers.

I know the blog is vague but the end is this. Never say never and apparently don’t try and make plans, just be patient and trust that someone else is in the driver’s seat and working on your behalf.

This past year, lots have things have tried to change my perspective, but who I am will never change. I hope, I dream, I trust and deep down where you can’t see it always, I am positive.

Everytime I walk down a hallway in a hotel, I wonder…Is this what my afterlife will be like, be it Heaven or Hell? Which this evening got me thinking about life and the theme song from RENT popped into my head…yes, I am random, I know, but bear with me, this will get better…

Back to the song, you know the one…Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear…five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes….how do you measure, measure a year? (You sang it didn’t you). So how do you measure it?

I thought about this and it only took a second for me to know how I measure it and what I’ve been missing all along. Here goes…

I love wine it has always been so intriguing to me and enjoyable but I think for the first time this evening I actually understand why. For me, it isn’t the science of the Terroir or the viticulture. It isn’t the pairing of a sweet white wine with a rich, fatty food so that the tastes of the two blend perfectly. While I enjoy both of those things, wine for me is about what wine does, which in retrospect, isn’t about the wine at all.

You see when I look back at the past year of my life I can remember having some great wines…

A bottle of Faust shared over Christmas

A bottle of Silver oak at a work dinner

A bottle or a few of Tignanello over cheese and an Austin evening

A corked bottle of Guidalberto

Several glasses of Double T

A single bottle of Cono Sur

A bottle of vintage port

A Bottle of Chateau D’yquem before bed

Too many small bottles of Barefoot

Tiofilio Reyes from Puerto Rico

A bottle of Veuve Clicquot on my 29th Birthday

a bottle of Nine points on New Years Eve with Mom

I could go on and on, but what I can tell you more than the bottles and glasses that I remember and those that I don’t are the moments they came with, the people I shared them with and the memories I’ll keep. You see wine, for me is about the moments it creates.

Which has me thinking even more about those that I have missed, the bottles I had hoped to share and may never get a chance. It reminds me, that planning and preparing for that perfect moment in life is fine, but if you don’t look up and take the chance when you have it, and enjoy the moments that were there instead of fretting about when they will no longer be, you may never get to enjoy that perfect moment that is right in front of you.

As for wine, the best bottle for those on you wondering…is any one that is shared.

Cheers.

So my friend and I at work always pass quotes back and forth. It helps make us laugh when we are having a bad day or see the sunshine through the clouds. Here are some of my favorites…at least the sharable ones.

As you lectured me lovingly today, I have to admit I was listening and I hung up the phone remembering all the things I forget when life isn’t going my way. Mostly though, as many athletes can atest, there is something about the competitive spirit that helps when life hands you lemons. It’s that spirit that when I was on the last lap of the Individual Medley and not in first place, that I would put my head down and kick and pull with everything I had and everything I didn’t to secure the win.  It’s the same spirit that allows me to get hit on the head with life’s lemons, complain and wallow in it for a bit, but then make the best damn lemonade anyone has ever tasted.

Maybe it is the fight it takes to win/succeed or maybe it’s just proving me right and anyone else wrong…since I love being right, or maybe it’s about reminding myself and everyone around me what I am capable of…which is being a strong, loving, successful, playful, independant woman.

Whatever it is, thanks for being my mom and reminding me to be me.

Aren’t Orchids like notoriously difficult to keep alive? and yet, I have one that just wont stop blooming. It is almost like it is mocking me…laughing. I guess part of me likes that it is blooming, I find it some what kin, difficult to love and yet blooming anyway, but, the other side just wants it to fail. I could  make up all kinds of scenarios and signs that it could be giving me, but let’s face it…they would just be wishful thinking. So if you have a way to kill an orchid besides launching it off my 23rd floor balcony, let me know, or I just might try that.

Yeah, it isn’t always easy to be positive on crappy days, but today, I got to see one of my very best friends. There is something soothing to your soul about spending time with someone who knows your ins and outs, a 3-year-old’s laughter and the great outdoors…money can’t buy that. It is a true blessing of life and I won’t let it be another 2-years.

I topped off my day with a quick stop for a drink with another friend  and a conference call with my sister, mom and Claire cooing in the background…the day definitely had some ups…until they started the lecturing and then I went back to Prime Country on XM. Spending  some time in the car, singing and listening to classic country that I love, helps me relax…To build off yesterday’s post…I couldn’t have picked a better playlist today, just some great old school country with meaning…look em’ up!

Reba McEntire – I Know How He Feels

Travis Tritt – Anymore

Faith Hill – Take Me As I am

Rascal Flatts – While You Loved Me

George Strait – Baby’s Gotten Good At Goodbye

Terri Clark – Emotional Girl

Clint Black – Put Yourself In My Shoes

And to close off the day, the parking attendant gave me a free pack of parking passes!

All and all, Pale Ale in hand, it looks like I may just survive the rest of this day…

<3

Writing is healing for me and something about putting it online for all the world to see helps as well. What isn’t helpful is that everything I want to write shouldn’t be left to the world wide web and so I write about something that can.

Recently I rediscovered the power of music, what it allows you to say and feel. It seems for every emotion you can find a soundtrack to meet you in that moment. I can remember being in junior high, sitting in the bath tub and crying to Brian White “Someone Else’s Star.” I would have been good with that being my one and only heart break, no such luck, but I’ll always have the memory. I mean really, just check out these lyrics, I’m crying just reading them…

Alone again tonight without someone to love

 The stars are shining bright So one more wish goes up

 Oh I wish I may And I wish with all my might For the love I’m dreamin of And missin in my life

 You’d think that I could find A true love of my own

It happens all the time To people that I know

 Their wishes all come true So I’ve got to believe

There’s still someone out there Who was meant for only me

I guess I must be wishin on someone else’s star

 It seems like someone else keeps gettin what I’m wishin for

 Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are I guess I must be wishin on someone else’s star

 I sit here in the dark And stare up at the sky I can’t give my heart One good reason why

Everywhere I look It’s lovers that I see

Seems like everyone’s in love Everyone but me

I guess I must be wishin on someone else’s star

It seems like someone else keeps gettin what I’m wishin for

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are I guess I must be wishin on someone else’s star

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are I guess I must be wishin on someone else’s star

Then there are the songs that reach deep into your soul, they seem to say eveything you can’t but wish you could. My favorite though, are the songs that bring back a memory like “Redneck Girl” from College or Vitamin C from high school graduation.

Need some soundtrack for your emotion? Here are some that hit home on my plane flight this evening…

George Strait – You Look So Good In Love

George Strait – If I Know Me

Rascal Flatts – I’m Movin’ On

Lucky Now – Ryan Adams

Patty Griffin – One Big Love

 John Mayer – Shadow Days

Miranda Lambert – Better in the Long Run

Old 97′s – Designs on you

Zac Brown – Keep Me in Mind

and most notably maybe…

Cee Lo – F You!

Wow…I started this blog on my 29th birthday after dealing with 29 years of drama and hoping that the coming year would be the settling point of my life. HA. They say that being positive would lead you to positivity…but me, I guess there was a fear that publicly displaying my life everyday for a year would make me open up on days when it was the last thing I wanted to do. The truth is, it’s been many months since my last post and positivity doesn’t keep life going straight, God does. The universe doesn’t decide that you get to be happy because you think it. The truth, if we are honest, is that bad things happen to good people whether we are positive or not. You lose in life, you lose in love and hopefully you get back up and keep trying. Is it easy? No! Does it hurt like hell? Worse. Does it make you stronger? Hope so…

The truth is , I don’t really know. I just know that each day I wake up and hope I get to experience my best days all over again with the best people I know, but if I don’t, I at least had the chance to experience it once and will remember and replay it for as long as I live. The choices we make, unfortunately affect those we love but if I’ve learned anything in 29 1/2 years, it’s that you can’t live your life for anyone else.

Moral: true love still exist, but timing is everything.